Web 2.0 vs Jakob Neilson

Categories: news — Tags: — Posted by: Grant @ March 4, 2008 : 1:42 pm

Let’s get ready to ruuuuummmbbbllleee!!! (Warning: massive geek speak ahead)

In the left corner, we have the web designer favorite Web 2.0, weighing in at 200k, sporting a stylish CSS cape, Flash 9 boots and large JPG tattoos. Web 2.0 is known for delivering a mean AJAX left hook and has no mercy for dial-up users, older browsers and the handicapped.

In the right corner, we have usability favorite Jakob Neilson, weighting in at 30k, wearing nothing but a jock strap and fist wraps. Jakob is a grizzled, text-book HTML fighter with a clean style and can take on any browser.

Round 1: Fight!

Web 2.0 comes lurching out of it’s corner, but is noticeably slowed down by it’s huge Flash cape getting caught on the ropes. On the other side, Jakob rockets out of his corner with fiber-optic speeds and connects with a direct cross to Web 2.0′s jaw. Web 2.0 is used to taking quite the server throttling however and immediately counters with an mean 40k JavaScript library into Jakob’s face. The crowd gasps as the library bounces harmlessly off Jakob, who glees as if to remind Web 2.0 that he has JavasScript turned off. Jakob squares his shoulders again and lands another solid punch into Web 2.0, without any more effect than the last.

Round 2: Fight!

The crowd is stirring and looking for some action as the bell rings again and the fight is off. Jakob again looks to repeat his speed daemon charge when wait- what’s this? It looks like Web 2.0 has equipped itself with a DSL rocket pack and cable attachments! Web 2.0 makes a beeline straight for an unsuspecting Jakob Neilson and lands a King Hippo uppercut to Jakob’s groin! The crotch shot flips Jakob straight over the ropes and backward onto the cold HTML 1.0 floor, while Web 2.0 triumphantly flies around the arena tossing out animated ‘DIGG IT!’ GIFs to cheering fans. As Jakob gingerly recovers from his crash, Web 2.0 suddenly starts smoking in the middle of the ring! Oh no, it looks like Web 2.0′s web server has frantically committed sepuku under the maddening crush of Digg visitors! Bad mistake for Web 2.0!

Hold on, what’s that Jakob has? Is that… a TABLE? Yes, I believe it is! Jakob has sneaked in a TABLE into the ring and is now menacing down on Web 2.0, who is just now recovering thanks to a bleary eyed twenty-something patched in through a SSL Blackberry connection in Thailand. Jakob brings the TABLE smashing down on Web 2.0 like a Zangief piledriver on a defenseless Chun-Li. Stunned, Web 2.0 lets out a roar as it suddenly realizes that it conforms perfectly in all browsers and plays well with IE because it looks like a LEGO bot. The humiliation.

Final Round: Fight!

Now that the gloves are completely off (though Jakob has been half-naked to begin with), the crowd is wildly anticipating blood! Jakob pulls out an Aerosmith Revolution-X arcade machine from “My Documents\Current Year\” and volleys a stream of AOL 9.0 discs, disabling Web 2.0′s DSL rocket pack. Web returns with a flurry of XML bombs, which doesn’t phase Jakob, until he realizes they are hiding XSL style sheets which he hasn’t turned off! To Jakob’s horror, the XML bombs render into hundreds of MySpace friend requests from nubile females with God awful grammar. Web 2.0 drops a shoulder and charges Jakob, who is now hopelessly cursing some guy named Tom. Not an instant before being knocked senseless, Jakob shields himself with a 800×600 monitor, forcing Web 2.0 to screech to a halt and scroll horizontally.

Sensing his bid for time dangerously short, Jakob’s reaches into his jock strap and pulls out the Mother of All Show-Stoppers: Internet Explorer 6. Web 2.0, finally able to see Jakob again, recoils in sheer terror like a female on Xbox live for the first time. This is going to be painful.

In Matrix slow-motion fashion, Jakob counts to three and shoves this Holy Browser Grenade down the pipeline directly into Web 2.0′s meta matter. The crowd gasps as Web 2.0′s visage distorts, breaking well tuned DIVS into erratic bits and random chaos as if hit in the head with a Tron Disc. Slowly breaking off into floating parts, Web 2.0, with it’s last dying open window, jams a small object into Jakob’s foot. Jakob looks down and slowly realizes he’s been embedded with a video feed.

Jakob suddenly sees two girls.

They’re holding a cup.

Falling to his knees with clutched ears and squeezed eyes, Jakob’s visual and auditory senses are simultaneously overloaded with foreign stimuli incomprehensible to him as a web standard or as a human. In a moment of epiphany, Jakob suddenly realizes that across the web chasm, there is a hell far worse than embedded 8-bit MIDI. Choking on a lack of bandwidth, Jakob is forced to watch and listen to the popping video as he slowly blacks out and passes out.

Final Score: Draw!

Well, it looks like Jakob and Web 2.0 had a good fight, but neither came out on top this round. Perhaps again in the future they shall duel again and it may be finally determined, who is the real winner.

No Comments »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post.

Leave a comment

Home | About Us | Seattle Restaurants | Food Articles | Blog | Friends | Charity | Advertising | Contact Us
Blogging platform by WordPress
36 queries. 0.264 seconds.